Why do certain people thrive when socialising while others become drained and uncommunicative? People who suffer from loneliness and depression are far more likely to get tired by interactions, much like exercise can tire out someone who doesn’t go regularly. Being drained by these situations means that they spend less time socialising on the whole.
If we acknowledge this need to recharge, how can people who suffer from loneliness balance their need to be alone with the need to meet people?
How downtime affects your uptime
I have observed extroverts who can attend social events that start at 5pm, and still be full of energy and surrounded by people by 1am. Such people have huge capacities for engaging with people and it seems like they feed off the energy of other people (without taking anything away from them!). This ability may have been trained over time, or it could simply be a natural trait.
I am more inclined to believe that this behavior can be trained, since I have seen a great many people who were previously introverted, working their way up to becoming the life of the party.
Regardless of the explanation, people who are approaching the topic of socialising for the first time or who have an introverted trait, will often need some time alone alongside going out and meeting people.
This time is useful of dealing with disorienting or new situations. I believe that some of this ‘downtime’ is also used to consolidate learning as well.
When we read a book or a watch TV or surf the Internet, we are in complete control of the interaction. In a social situation, there is no overall control, with the environment and people forming the situation as it happens.
This unpredictability and variety is exactly what we need, and the brain needs time to consolidate these experiences.
Using your downtime effectively
What activities can you do during downtime that can help you during uptime?
How about:
- Simply sitting in a quiet place for ten minutes
- Listening to some calming music
- Going for a short walk alone
- Having a hot bath
- Meditating
- Watering plants
- Painting a picture
- Playing an instrument you are proficient at
- Playing a simple game on your mobile
During this time, try to allow whatever thoughts you have in your mind to come to the surface.
The other benefit of this type of activity is that when we are introduced to different or stressful situations, our bodies automatically react by pumping adrenaline. With downtime, you are able to give your body some time to down regulate the adrenaline in your body and regain a normal perspective.
This downtime behavior is perfectly natural for many, however for those that are unaware (especially those who find socialising easy and effortless), it can be seen as withdrawal, shyness, anger or even unfriendliness.
If you find that situations get too intolerable often, it is useful to practice a polite way to end a conversation and retreat for a few minutes. Remember however, to not get too good at this! If you structure your retreats, such that you aim to always go back to the interaction when you are ready, you keep the momentum going.
Tips for keeping the social momentum going
Here are a few pointers for balancing solitude and sociability;
- Acknowledge that not everyone can be “up” and sociable all the time – only the rare few. Many of us new to this skill need to balance uptime with solitude.
- The amount of time we need for downtime will vary, but we must always try to be conscious of trying to reduce the time we think we need.
- A lot of the vital learning and consolidation of social skills takes place during downtime, especially for introverts, so it’s important to respect that this time is an essential part of social development.
- The skills of socialising are built upon momentum. If you go out regularly for five days, the interaction on your sixth day will seem easy. However if you wait a week, you will find your social skills will have retreated back a little.
- Once the retreating of social skills has taken place, you may find that you need more alone time again to compensate. It typically takes less time to get back up to speed however.
The best analogy for this balance of solitude and sociability is the exercise analogy. To get better you train harder at regular intervals. If you stop, the longer you wait until the next session, the weaker you get. Finally, if you don’t take regular rest, you will eventually burn out!
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