Most people appear to have high self-esteem. In fact humans actually tend to over estimate our abilities on the whole. For the lonely person however, this is usually not the case. So what exactly is self-esteem and how can we raise it? What anxieties surround sociability and how does self-esteem contribute to social performance?
Exploring validity
I think that self-esteem is the belief that the self is valid. The self is put under scrutiny by the constant recollection of times when personal goals or expectations were failed, met or exceeded. These failures or achievements and the way we focus on them make up the overall balance of guilt and satisfaction in our own performance. The resulting state is our overall self-esteem.
A high self esteem individual is more likely to form the belief that a new, never seen before task is achievable. Their personal bias on prior tasks, which resulted in success give them the motivation and edge to take on new challenges.
On the other hand, a person with low self-esteem has two challenges when faced with a new situation; first, there is the constant worry of inadequacy, which serves to distract individuals from processing new, potentially rewarding tasks. Secondly there forms either a strong lack of self-belief or even a straightforward dismissal of being faced with the new task and its potential disappointment. This “shutting down” feature is especially common with introverts or hsp’s (highly sensitive people) when faced with new social situations.
In other words when it comes to meeting people, the odds are stacked against a person with low self-esteem, because their thoughts are ruled by the background state that has been formed from the habitual nature of this negative focus.
Anxieties surrounding sociability
There are several worries that people suffering from loneliness have, centred around meeting new people.
Some of these might be:
- Fear of people
- Embarrassment
- Safety concerns
- Fear of being judged
- Bullying
- Fear of rejection
- Fear of something bad happening that happened before
Focussing on these above issues is sure to result in failure. Even a person with high self esteem, encouraged to focus on these issues would perform well below their natural sociable self given a new social situation.
It is important to develop the habit of challenging these thoughts with powerful positive images.
How about seeing socialising an opportunity to:
- Make a great impression on someone that results in a lifelong friendship, or even a partner?
- Get to know people who have conquered greater fears and who empower you to do the same?
- Know more people, and mutually look out for one another other, increasing your social safety, strength and influence?
- Meet people who are not judgemental and accept you for who you are?
- Practice your inner confidence and be un-wavered by people who attempt to intimidate you?
- Experience both rejection and success and learn from both, by subjecting yourself to their causes and effects?
- Learn to take control of the present and create outcomes on your terms?
- Contribute to others in your own way?
Self-esteem and sociability
We can see how self-esteem can lead to the belief that taking some action is or is not worth the effort. For a person with low self-esteem, it can be very hard to find a reason to become more sociable, when its perceived that there is so much to lose by interaction.
The levels of personal satisfaction or guilt, the internal dialog that frames past goals in a negative or positive light to create the background “state”, the anxiety and worry about taking an action with an uncertain outcome and finally previous held beliefs about socialising all feed into how sociable a person actually feels at the time.
An easy way to remember how self-esteem affects sociability is that the level of self-esteem tells a person how valuable they are to themselves. If you have a high level of personal value then you are more likely to take on value-adding activities, because you believe that you are worth of deserving the benefits they could bring. The opposite is true in the case of the low self-esteem individual.
What actions can I take to raise self-esteem and hence, sociability?
Alongside challenging negative perceptions, below are some exercises you can try yourself to raise your self-esteem, work through worries and indirectly increase your sociability:
- Write down fifty things that you have achieved. This can be any achievement from the mundane to the complex. Almost everyone has learned to speak for example.
- For each of those achievements remind yourself of the effort you put in and the reward you received. Recognise that you have the capability to achieve in unexpected situations.
- Write out a list of your worries surrounding socialising. For each of these worries, think about the options you have. For example, do you continue to feel lonely, or take some specific action? Then for each worry, go through the options, select one to act upon and cross off the rest. Then act.
- List your failures. Now try to find something that you learned about yourself for each one of them. Failure is part of everone’s personality but it doesn’t have to rule it. Acknowledge that you will make many more.
- As you develop a high sense of self worth, others will notice and give you the credit you give yourself, and often much more. Carefully observe your self-esteem increasing.
We have learned that it is possible to train ourselves to focus on the positive and raise our self-esteem over time. We have also learned to counter some of the anxious thoughts that surround socialising, opening up awareness to its inherent positive opportunities. Finally we have covered some practical exercises that you can follow to raise self-esteem and gain a better understanding of how your self worth contributes to sociability.
Mr Loneli
If you have any questions about any of these topics, or simply want to get in touch please feel free to email me at:
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